Rules for dating my daughter

**SunTzu** · October 16th, 2005, 07:30 PM

RULE 1 - Arriving For the Date
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

RULE 2 - No Contact With My Daughter in My Presence
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

RULE 3 - No Fashion Statements
I am aware that it is considered "fashionable" for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

RULE 4 - Sex and My Daughter Don't Mix
I'm sure that you've been told that today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am a barrier, and I will kill you.

RULE 5 - Communication with Me
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

RULE 6 - Exclusive Dating Only
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

RULE 7 - Make Yourself Useful
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and, more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her make-up, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you make yourself useful, like changing the oil in my car?

RULE 8 - Places of Dating
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movie which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk' homes are better though.

RULE 9 - No Lying
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

RULE 10 - Ending the Date
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring
my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

**pv5** · October 16th, 2005, 07:46 PM

nice.

**imported_Sportsman** · October 16th, 2005, 08:15 PM

One question.....did you observe those rules the first time you went on a car date and picked up someone else's daughter??

**TheBeast** · October 17th, 2005, 09:59 AM

liked this better when Bill Engvall said it in his act 3-4 years ago

**imported_SuperX** · October 17th, 2005, 01:00 PM

personally.

I think it's stupid... parent's are to strict these days, let your kids go out and have a good time, when they do wrong, then fix it, dont lay down the law before they go because hell you dont know if that's gonna force em to do it anymore

so lay off the rules, put em in the bookcase

and chill the [censored] out

**lil_miss_chick** · October 17th, 2005, 01:16 PM

yeah kids are gonna do what they wanna do..if they choose to whether there mom or dad says not to do it..and really that makes u wanna do it more*--lol [img]/LDPforum/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

**SunTzu** · October 17th, 2005, 07:03 PM

My guess is that when you are grown and have a daughter of dating age your outlook will be much more conservative . Sounds like it hit a little close to home there by your rant . These were not my rules but they may not be too far off .